Day 9: All shut-eye ain't sleep. And all goodbye ain't gone. "The Other Mother"

Ann-Marie:

I spend a great deal of time encouraging people to jump into "the conversation." Some days it's about keeping a brand presence in the media stream, other days it's about speaking up to make difference in a community, and still others it's about surrounding oneself with the people that make the greatest difference in your life.

The deaths of both my mother and sister left huge voids in my life, but the unconditional love and words of my own "other mothers" have filled that space with a great deal of abundance. Some years, the only sense of family I had. And now years later as my father has found his own way past grief and relinquished a strictly conservative point of view I find that "rememoir" serves as a catalyst for healing a relationship that lay dormant for way too many years.  Many of the conversations I've shared publicly in reconnecting with my father are couched in humor...as two individuals in later life walking past what they don't know and can't remember has its levity in bonding. I imagine the stories and conversations the readers find in the book keep Bryne alive for you. We tend to do that with the people we hold dear.

Teresa:

I never tired of listening to Byrne's stories.  Over  the course of living with her when she had the blood clot, her memories flowed into mine.  Especially the love stories involving Duncan.  I was so young and so yearning for examples of
real, mutual, respectful love that I made them into a fairy tale.  It was naive, at first.  But gradually I realized that Bryne had choreographed parts of the story. At first I felt cheated when I learned that Duncan wasn't what she had led me to believe (that's as much as I can say without spoiling the ending for those of you who haven't read it yet.) Let's just say I figured it out before it was too late.  Here's a moment from a difficult conversation we had on the porch, over a glass of wine.

"We're always," Byrne started to say before she shifted back to past tense. "We were always joined at the hip and people used to tease me, asking if Duncan always held my hand or if it was just for show." I was surprised Bryne cared what others thought. "I knew we were equals, true partners in life's journey.  But I got all the attention and he got lost in my shuffle..."

At last I could participate in the conversation. I knew what she needed to hear. So this is how that conversation ended.

"The Gullah have a saying," I said to Bryne. I could sense she wanted to be alone with the regret that kept Duncan close. It was time for me to kiss her cheeks and say goodnight. "It goes something like this. All shut-eye ain't sleep. and all goodbye ain't gone."

I came to know the magnitude and depth of this love that had once seemed almost unreal.  Writing this memoir was like having a conversation with Bryne ~ along with all her collected daughters.  I interviewed as many of them as I could for the book and the amazing thing was we all remembered the same core stories of affirmation and love. Then when I started pouring through Bryne's papers at the Beaufort County Library's Special Collection I found them again, in newspaper and magazine articles.  She had seduced almost every reporter she met, not just me!

It's funny, for years after her death I found myself wishing I could share experiences with Bryne. I missed her in so many ways.  But writing it all down, digging deeper into all the conversations we had on her screened porch stage, has helped close the grieving cycle. She's with me now, listening in on every conversation, comment, tweet and book signing.  And I'm certain she's loving every minute of it.

The Other Mother: A Rememoir by Teresa Bruce

Tell us about your most meaningful conversations...

Day 2: Writing about "The Other Mother"

Ann-Marie:

I have many favorite quotes from your book, but this morning (Cyber Monday no less) the powerful nature of what surrounds us in the Lowcountry, that which exists right in front of us and brings forward our creativity...that is where my mind waunders this morning. The phrase or perhaps best described by you as "...the logic of the hopeful, the rationale of a dreamer" says it best for me today and comes from Chapter 5 via your surfer/common law husband..."the perfection of a day judged by a dolphin." Hindsight or foresight this applies perfectly to our life along the coastline of South Carolina.

One always wonders why someone writes what they write. I write a great deal for work, but I also write inspirational phrases called "word strings" and spend time in a classroom encouraging others to craft content to tell their stories.  You write screenplays and books.  What led to writing about Bryne? Perhaps you always have, even if not directly.

Teresa:

Wow, I wonder if you're onto something. Maybe Byrne's voice has been in my head longer than I realize. Come to think of it, that's how "The Other Mother: a rememoir" started. Long before I knew that I wanted to write a book about my other mother, she was part of my interior dialog. I remember looking into the mirror on the day I went to my divorce hearing, repeating her words in my head. "You are marvelous," and "Do not affect to be so delicate."

The first part was from Duncan ~ her husband of almost 60 years who said that to Byrne every night when he watched her undress. She knew that even though there might be women more witty, sexy or well connected ~ she was the unique combination of attributes he could never live without.

The second part of what I whispered to myself that morning was Bryne's favorite quote. It's from Nietzche and it means that we are all stronger than we think we are or pretend to be. 

Maybe as I walked into the courtroom -- Bryne's words affirmations of confidence -- I started writing my own story. I was collecting and rearranging the words that helped me become the woman I am.  And she is an always-present part of that. I think all mothers and other mothers are: the former are literally part of our DNA and the later of our free will.

Writing screenplays was a huge help in making Byrne come alive on the page because it had forced me to hone my sense of dialog. I write by visualizing scenes ~ what she's wearing, how she's standing, how others are responding to her body language. And you're right Ann-Marie, writing about Byrne has kept her close to my heart. Photographs can fade, but the truth I commit to the page stays firmly in place. Bryne Miller is now a dance I know by muscle memory.

The Other Mother: A Rememoir by Teresa Bruce

Tell us about a word or phrase that someone used that you continue to evoke...

Day 1: Crossing Paths with "The Other Mother"

And so it begins...the "10 Days with The Other Mother" blog tour.  Starting today and continuing through December 10th this blog will host a public conversation with author Teresa Bruce that provides readers with an opportunity to gain insight and reflect on Bruce's recently published rememoir "The Other Mother." 

There are several ways you can participate in the conversation:

1. Join the conversation! Enter comments and/or respond to entries in the comments section at the end of each blog entry. The author and blogger will actively monitor and engage in a virtual dialogue during the ten day tour.

2. Share a link! Copy and paste a link to each blog entry on your FaceBook page, your Google+ account, your Twitter feed or cite an entry on Pinterest, Tumblr or your own blog...wherever you find yourself socially networking.

3. Buy the book! The author and blogger will provide a great many reference points over the next ten days but to fully appreciate the beauty of the book one must really dive into the text. Available on Amazon at: The Other Mother

Blog Tour Day 1: Crossing Paths

Ann-Marie: 

I have always marveled at how our lives interweave with the people, places and experiences necessary to propel us in one direction or another. Chance meetings. Serendipity. Work assignments. Blind dates. Coffee shops. Network referrals and the like. Each built around a stated opportunity whose purpose we may or may not be fully aware of in the immediate.

In fact Teresa, our becoming acquainted two years ago at the Beaufort International Film Festival was very much like that. I have always relished "table readings" so when the festival schedule included the opportunity to hear some of Beaufort's local thespians reading the screenplays entered for competition, I was quick to secure a ticket for the occasion. And with that attendance I became acquainted with you. That first encounter, listening to your screen play being read, set in motion an appreciation for your brand of storytelling. Most especially for your knack in bringing to the page the good, bad and sometimes comical way life has a tendency to flow and unfold.

Chapter 8 of "The Other Mother" presents readers with your first encounter with Byrne and Duncan Miller while on assignment with a local public television affiliate. Initially you take a journalistic approach upon meeting the Millers, to design a story of "worthiness and drawing out empathy" for a man with Alzheimers and a wife eager to bring public attention to their plight, by the conclusion of that chapter your approach quickly shifts to an admiration for the reflected love you witnessed in meeting them.

Thus, my volley to you, Teresa on Day 1 in our "10 Days with The Other Mother" conversation starts with our crossing paths at the film festival and you crossing paths with Byrne Miller....

Teresa:

I remember it well...Our paths crossed on the auspicious occasion of the first ever screenplay table read in Beaufort, South Carolina! That was two years before MovieMaker Magazine would name the Beaufort International Film Festival one of the coolest 25 film fests in the country ~ I guess we were BIFF before it was the film world's BFF! I was so nervous and it was great to look out into the audience and see your smiling, exuberant face in the audience. I didn't even know you but I could feel your encouragement and support for the creative process. 

I love it when that happens ~ paths crossling like two dancers on stage at the same time, hooking arms and spinning off in new directions.

I was like that meeting Bryne Miller, the Other Mother in the title of my memoir. I was 22 at the time, a rookie TV reporter at WJWJ-TV in Beaufort, SC and she was an 82 force of nature. I never set out to find an Other Mother but she folded me into her world before I knew what was happening. 

She always said "The family you're born with is not the one you're stuck with" and that was the genesis of a word I invented to describe her pearls of wisdom: womenisms. And now, years later, our dance together has spun off into so many directions. I have a blog called "womenismsm" on wordpress and a whole book worth of chapter headings in "The Other Mother: a rememoir."

What a great position to open the tour with Ann-Marie!

The Other Mother: A Rememoir by Teresa Bruce

Tell us about your experience in crossing paths with people who made an impact on your life...

From hiatus to 10 days with The Other Mother

An extended hiatus from this blog focused on an elder care experience was a conscious choice, one that made the greatest difference to the people right in front of me. Now don't leap into thoughts of the long-term care process here, it was more like connecting before the memory and physical well-being of a parent would make such an endeavor even more difficult than it had already become. Never did I dream I would look up six months later with a more relaxed impression of senior living realizing I was missing the very thing that provided fulfillment to me personally (and on so many levels).

In my initial attempt to re-enter the blogging sphere I watched my heroic "Wednesday HodgePodge" crowd continue their ritual of once weekly tandem entries,  I relished the family news and pulling up recipes from Chef Richard Wilson's newswire, I witnessed "The Goddess Blogs" giving me all sorts of reasons to find romance alive, I read as "Olives & Alzheimers" relayed her own personal journey with a parent suffering from Alzheimers, I swooned to the poetry of James Goertel in Yareah Magazine, I drooled in virtual desire for the food in Travel Bite's worldwide adventures,  I clapped every feature in author Kami Kinard's Nerdy Chicks Rule, I watched "The Outdoor Yogini" blossom in self discovery, I relished the musings and thoughtful appreciation for life in pictures and video from a high school chum David Cate and yet couldn't muster a way to jump back in. Writers block? Maybe. Lack of focus? Maybe. Finding my place in this sphere of words after an absence? Most definitely.

Finally, without even realizing it, an author, wine and food provided the triple shot of enlightenment needed to gear back up confidently. So it is through an RSVP to a local event celebrating a book launch (a book I might add that got an approving nod from Pat Conroy) that I found my comfort zone again. And with that bit of an introduction you are invited to 10 Days with The Other Mother!

10 Days with The Other Mother


When: Begins December 1, 2013 and concludes on December 10, 2013 (then its on to the next blog stop)


Who: Teresa Bruce, author of The Other Mother & SCMornings contributor Ann-Marie Adams


What: An online conversation posted daily for ten days between two "Other Mothers" (Bruce and Adams) sharing wisdom, humor, revelation and womenisms. Expect musings to include Q&A, visual stimulation and expect the unexpected.


Where: Playing in multiple social media outlets near you! Originating here at SCMornings and intended to be shared, reposted, retweeted and favorited. #TheOtherMother (official hashtag) AND You the reader of course, you ARE the "+1" on this multi-day blog tour stop!


How: Mark your calendars to stalk our posts, chime in with your comments or simply tune in because you can in the comfort of your own time and space. 

Note: Engagement by readers each of the ten days nets one (1) lucky contributor a free copy of the book!